Dear queers, give Black people blue jeans!

Guest Who with Randy Boyd

Author Randy Boyd is away authoring his next novel. In his place, the Randy Boyd’s Blocks is proud to present Guest Who? Thanks to highly exclusive, massively encrypted, Y3K software by Freaky Deaky Technologies, we can now tap into the digital minds of the analogue characters who previously only existed on the pages of Randy Boyd’s novels. That’s right. The author’s characters are doing it for themselves in Guest Who?

Here now, our first guest blogger: Hail Larry McPherson, white heterosexual pro football player who catches the greatest touchdown pass of all-time in Walt Loves the Bearcat by Randy Boyd. (Hail Larry also stars in The Bearcat Boyz on the Road of Life, coming soon).

Memo to the Homos and Dykes of America and Those Who Want Them Married Off:

I have bitched and moaned about this whole same-sex marriage deal being a little freaky deaky from time to time, but now I get it. Yes, that’s right. Since I’ve been hanging around my white homo QB teammate and his Bearcat of a black boyfriend (with my hot wife, mind you), I see gays marrying in a whole new light.

I, heterosexual wide receiver Hail Larry McPherson, now think that homos deserve the right to marry.

You go, queers, get married and live happily ever after. Or unhappily ever after. Your choice. Your dream. Your right. It should be anyway.

But there’s just one thing. But there’s just one thing. Recently, I was made aware of a weakness in your strategy for winning these marriage rights and I was hoping you wouldn’t mind my giving you homos a bit of advice. I actually think it might help you get to the alter sooner. It’s kinda like a secret weapon, you might say.

Statistics show that it’s mostly socially-conservative black people that are ruining your gay wedding plans, always voting you down at the polls. I’m guessing by all the shouting and protesting, you already know this. Kinda seems to me like a battle of Pink vs. Black. So herein lies Pink’s secret weapon in all this poll dancing between blacks and gays.

“Queer America, get to know Black America.”

Do something I haven’t seen many homos do in this crusade of yours: get to know more black people! Infiltrate their ranks. Befriend them!

I once read somewhere: America conquered the Soviet Empire by giving them blue jeans, and that if we gave Cuba blue jeans, the culture would follow and the walls would come crumbling down. Begin integration.

You queers have to give blacks blue jeans! Give them who you are, show them your culture, your families, your children, your homes, your dreams.

Let black people know you’re more than just pink people with frilly frills, leather, parades and a whole lotta anger. So far, they haven’t seen much else from you.

Even the blacks inside your homo world haven’t heard much dialogue from you, except, of course, those warnings on Internet dating sites. You know the ones: WHITES ONLY, WHITES AND LATINS ONLY. NO BLACKS, NO ASIANS, NO OFFENSE.

My black football coach once said:

“If you want anybody else to see you as something worth civil rights, you got to show them some civility. You got to be humane to other humans. You got to see them as more than a stereotype, and show them you’re more than a stereotype.”

Right on, Coach!

Blacks protested mighty fiercely for civil rights, but Coach says, it was Sports that ultimately uplifted us all: “seeing Black and White play together, grow together, dialogue together, win together. Politics followed. The military, the workforce, neighborhoods, television, marriage and all the rest followed. Why? Because America integrated Black, and Black integrated America.”

Thing is, Pink has not integrated Black, and Black has not integrated Pink, so black people see pink people as freaks and weirdos who shouldn’t be legally married, if black people have anything to say about it.

And they do, because, let’s face it, bitches: no politician is pronouncing any homo or lesbian, “man and man,” or “woman and woman,” without a comfortable majority of voters.

As such, I, straight guy Hail Larry McPherson, suspect Pink ain’t gonna get very far in the polls by stoning the gods of Black and shutting out black homos with online language, like, WHITES AND LATINS ONLY. NO BLACKS, NO ASIANS, NO OFFENSE.

So, queer America, you have a choice:

You can find out who black people really are behind their skin color and stereotypes, and show them who you really are behind your rainbow flags and sexual segregation, and integrate yourselves.

Or you can stomp up and down like a child who can’t get what they want until the world lets you have that candy bar.

It’s simple, Queer America, get to know Black America, accept them in your home, your hearts and especially in your minds. For gay marriage’s sake, give them blue jeans!

Hail Larry McPherson, the hot Italian (and heterosexual!) stud receiver from Walt Loves the Bearcat. You know …. McPherson catches it! McPherson catches it! McPherson catches it! Teammates hug, fans sob, players thank their gods!

P. S., Man, I love women!